*screams*

i wanna scream, but i can't. i wanna cry, but i feel too numb to even move. i don't want you to read this, but i need to write. i want you to know, but i don't want you to do anything. i want a perfect guy, but there's no such guy in this world. i'm tired, but i still have to go on. i weep, but you can't see. i laugh, but my heart mourns. i look alive, but i feel dead.

love is messy by nature. learnt that from a book i read this morning --> "fearless loving" by Rhonda Britten. i quote: "love is messy, because our desire for love is driven by our fears."

it's a good book.

grab hold of it, or lose it. you don't get lucky too many times.

ok friends who care and read. don't worry too much about me. i'm ok. just...not that ok for now. don't think that i am helpless. cuz i will not be. i'll try to be strong!!! like rambo. right...

i don't wanna be so distracted at work. i wish i'll have late nights again like my first job, so busy that i can hardly breathe. that way i won't have time to think.

my mind refuses to listen to me. it just roams, and makes me stone at my papers. i feel lethargic at work. i don't know what's wrong. i should be ok. shouldn't i?

i need an entertainer. not one with 3 legs. ok that's lame. forget i said that.

bernard was right after all. it's the deepest fears you have to dig out to lead a better life. i still have not dug them out, though they are lurking everywhere. i still don't wanna go to a course that costs a few thousand dollars just to dig out my fears and sob uncontrollably in front of a trainer and many other classmates.

it's the remnants of war you see in oddery. if you knew her. she was never like this.

i have to mend the cracks in the walls.