:|

if you msn, you'll know that's the emoticon for 'disappointed'. that's the title cuz it's been my mood since a private winter war started on thursday. other than that, i'm currently feeling down, sian, moody, slightly emotional, a little of each of these: bored, frustrated, exasperated, helpless, hmmm...yes. helpless. don't know what i should do to make things better on the whole, not just on my side. ah..... seems like i'm experiencing a torrent of moods all at the same time or in the same day at least. sounds bad to me..cuz none of them sound positive to me.

oh but i did feel something positive in the morning when i went to the gym at 11am & hung out there for close to an hour, burning 400 calories! satisfying... haha..i surprised myself as well cuz i definitely prefer lazing to working out. hee. *sheepish look* don't know why i was roused awake at 8am..a teeny weeny too early for my liking, cuz i only slept close to 2am, and aren't we supposed to catch up on our sleep over the weekends?? anyway i refused to wake up at 8am, so i drifted in & out of sleep till 9.45am, when my little sis was preparing herself to go out. when i was lazing in bed & just stoning, staring blankly into space (while my sis thought i was trying to play dead or something..yeah i looked really stoned), i suddenly had this urge to go to the gym. actually i was trying to plan my day...trying to think of things i can do or who i can meet to fill up my day before 4pm...

why 4pm you may ask? haa...i'm a silly hopeful. i thought the sms would come.

i've been keeping track of the hours elapsed since winter war started...as of now, saturday, 4th august 2007, 4.56pm, it has been approximately 45 hours. sigh... but i'm still hopeful... the 1st few times my radio gave signs that my hp is emitting radiation, i'd look at my mobile with much anticipation....only to be disappointed. : of cuz...what was i waiting for? expecting an sms? or a call? haha...i can't believe i typed "a call" cuz that's perhaps the last thing that would happen. i expected the sms to come yesterday...but it didn't. it helped that i was engrossed with my work to keep my mind occupied.

on hindsight, the winter war had been impending. it's like accumulated layers of snow...you never know when the avalanche will come. it may be foolish, but i never really expected it to come. was i hallucinating when i once felt the effort and that things were much better?

right now, i'm listening to the radio, class 95, to fill up the silence instead of my usual dosage of chinese pop sing-a-long session. i realised just last night that it was a bad choice to flick the radio switch on to FM93.3. instead of making me feel better when i sing along, the incessant sad tunes/lyrics from the radio only exacerbated my sorrow and brought back feelings of embitterment and waves of unwanted memories. it has been a long time since i last had trouble falling asleep.

i'm having some difficulty thinking of what to do next once i post this blog entry. i'm such a softie...i probably should stay angry but i can't. i'm just trying hard to control myself from doing anything stupid or to give in. is wanting to talk it out too much to ask for? i deserve the time for a good talk and if communication is last on the priority list or not perceived to be worth the effort, i don't think anything else is worth MY effort already.

i don't really know what to say anymore, cuz if i do say anymore, i'd sound pretty repetitive & perhaps naggy & what i say would probably have zero effect. the only thing i wanna say is, problems don't go away or resolve by themselves just because you avoid/ignore them.