fall and fall again

It makes no sense to re-read my older blog entries, I know.

I just happened to want to check out what my oldest entry was about, back in Oct 2004. Hmmm. Seems like such a long time back..slightly past 5 years. Some things have changed, but some never seem to change.

Excerpt from entry dated 14 Dec 2004:
"I still can't talk to CH. It doesn't work. Saw him in com lab today and finally took a deep breath and went up to him. Was surprised to see him in school so early and think he probably reached before I reached at 1000. So I asked him why he was so early today, and after another 'oei' from me, he replied curtly "今天有 meeting". SIGH. And his body language totally told me to go away, so I did. No idea when we can EVER talk normally again. If only I can erase his memories; at least he can be normal to me and not have to feel so stressed or tensed up or uncomfortable or awkward when he sees me."

And there was another entry in January 2005, where I was happy cuz he finally acknowledged my presence and even offered to buy a birthday present, no matter how casually he meant it.

Things changed...when I read back my older entries, I sounded happier.

Things never changed...I care, no matter what. Every little thing he does, affects me so much. It's like...a (sick) part of my life? I can't figure it out. It's been 5 years. And we ended up the same way. I still quote and think of the same lyrics from 梁静茹's song 《为我好》： “为何要无话可说才懂沉默比争吵难熬”.

Interesting. Have I changed, or have I not? For better, or for worse?

I know for sure that I'm more upset this time round. Is it age that is catching up with me, such that my wounds heal slower? Or is it that I have loved for 5 years, so I need a longer time to get over it? I don't know. But it's so obvious I have a soft spot for him. It's quite sick actually. I am so sick of it.

I accompanied my parents to church last Sunday. And started talking to our heavenly Father above. I think I am feeling better these few days. Mostly by talking within myself - the 2 voices within me, something like the angel (voice representing the mind) vs the devil (voice from the heart). Maybe I am schizophrenic as well. But it appears more to be a form of therapy for myself, and nowadays, Angel's working pretty hard, which makes me happy.

I don't deny that he still crosses my mind ever so often everyday. So many times a day. Just that I will shift my thoughts, because I know there is no point in thinking anymore. Just like it takes 2 hands to clap, it takes a man and a woman who are meant to be together by Father's arrangement to end up happily ever after. I understand it's either the time is (still) not right, or we're just not meant to be. I pray that I can get over it (him) soon.

Good luck gal!

Anyway I'm going Bangkok for my 1st overseas work trip from 18 Jan 2010 to 29 Jan 2010. That's what prompted my entry actually...cuz I suddenly recalled the time I made him bring my sister's webcam over, so that I can see him and watch him go to bed when he went to the U.S. for a few months for work training. It was so sweet that time...when he'll show me his home-made sandwich, saying goodnight and watching him under the covers falling asleep, till his webcam screws up.

Oh well. Memories are a double-edged sword. I should remain as a goldfish! Especially for damaging memories like these.